1 00:00:00,878 --> 00:00:02,837 Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Carr... 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,256 who took my precious little novel, wiped his ass, 3 00:00:05,299 --> 00:00:08,593 and transformed it into this Crazy Little Thing Called Love. 4 00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:16,184 - Holy fucknuts! - Oh, shit! 5 00:00:16,227 --> 00:00:18,353 What, don't you fuckin' knock? 6 00:00:18,395 --> 00:00:21,773 You used to be all about the morning sex. What's going on with you? 7 00:00:21,815 --> 00:00:23,942 - Anybody home? - Hey, baby! 8 00:00:23,984 --> 00:00:25,610 Good afternoon, Mrs Runkle. 9 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,362 What do you want me to do? 10 00:00:27,404 --> 00:00:31,407 Maybe you want me to make you wear a ball gag in your mouth. 11 00:00:31,450 --> 00:00:34,369 - You have to come get me. - I'm a little busy right now. 12 00:00:34,411 --> 00:00:36,454 Asshole, my teacher... he's coked out of his mind, 13 00:00:36,497 --> 00:00:37,914 and he's trying to get me into a threesome. 14 00:00:37,957 --> 00:00:39,541 You want to go to the movies with us, Dad? 15 00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:42,001 It turns out that was bald old Uncle Charlie, 16 00:00:42,044 --> 00:00:44,379 - and he's going through a rough patch. - Uncle Charlie, huh? 17 00:00:44,421 --> 00:00:47,173 - You cried wolf. - Maybe I just wanted to see you. 18 00:00:47,216 --> 00:00:52,262 You're not in love with me, Hank. You're in love with the idea of love. 19 00:00:53,138 --> 00:00:55,014 You're running for the hills. 20 00:01:05,234 --> 00:01:07,485 OK, this is exciting. 21 00:01:07,528 --> 00:01:10,446 I'm ready. I'm all ears. 22 00:01:10,948 --> 00:01:13,199 "Nothing gold can stay. 23 00:01:13,242 --> 00:01:14,450 "Nature's first green..." 24 00:01:14,493 --> 00:01:16,703 Stop. I just threw up in my mouth a little. 25 00:01:17,454 --> 00:01:19,872 You had 20 centuries of halfway decent verse to choose from 26 00:01:19,915 --> 00:01:22,709 and you're going with some minor Frosty? 27 00:01:22,751 --> 00:01:26,045 I like it. It's short. 28 00:01:26,088 --> 00:01:28,339 - And? - Bleak. 29 00:01:29,883 --> 00:01:30,967 And? 30 00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:33,886 - I saw it in a movie once. - Oh. 31 00:01:33,929 --> 00:01:36,222 Well, then, it must be good. Continue. 32 00:01:36,265 --> 00:01:39,601 Well, basically it's about how nothing good ever lasts, 33 00:01:39,643 --> 00:01:42,729 how, no matter what you do, it all just turns to shit in the end... 34 00:01:42,771 --> 00:01:45,231 You know, like you and Mom. 35 00:01:45,274 --> 00:01:49,611 Ah. Trenchant, if profane, literary criticism. It's an interesting take. 36 00:01:49,653 --> 00:01:51,487 I will put that one on your tab, by the way. 37 00:01:51,530 --> 00:01:52,989 But don't ever think that, honey. 38 00:01:53,032 --> 00:01:57,076 Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true. 39 00:01:57,369 --> 00:01:58,411 The hair. 40 00:01:59,997 --> 00:02:02,999 Happy endings may get a bad rap, but they do happen. 41 00:02:03,042 --> 00:02:06,252 And when they do, they're just as true as the unhappy ones. 42 00:02:06,295 --> 00:02:10,381 So you're saying it is possible maybe one day you and Mom could get back together? 43 00:02:10,424 --> 00:02:12,508 Of course. Anything's possible. 44 00:02:12,551 --> 00:02:14,385 Yes, but is it realistic? 45 00:02:17,139 --> 00:02:19,265 Who says we have to be realistic? 46 00:02:19,308 --> 00:02:20,850 - Mom. - Oh. 47 00:02:22,102 --> 00:02:25,313 Well, not to contradict your dear old mom, 48 00:02:25,356 --> 00:02:27,315 who is both wicked smart and wicked wonderful, 49 00:02:27,358 --> 00:02:29,942 but, no, we don't have to be... realistic, that is. 50 00:02:29,985 --> 00:02:32,570 Not when it comes to love. 51 00:02:32,613 --> 00:02:33,863 Oh, jeez. 52 00:02:33,906 --> 00:02:36,574 Is that Yusuf? Oh. 53 00:02:37,242 --> 00:02:38,368 Guess that's her. 54 00:02:38,452 --> 00:02:41,954 Got to change what I'm feeding that dog... or you. 55 00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:48,169 - Hello, sunshine. - I'm double-parked, so I just got to grab her. 56 00:02:48,253 --> 00:02:51,589 Then, by all means, skip the pleasantries. But can you do me a favour 57 00:02:51,632 --> 00:02:54,217 and stop telling our daughter not to believe in happy endings? 58 00:02:54,259 --> 00:02:55,677 What's next... no Santa Claus? 59 00:02:55,719 --> 00:02:57,804 You gonna shit all over the Easter Bunny, too? 60 00:02:57,846 --> 00:03:00,723 I think she figured out the Santa Claus thing already, 61 00:03:00,766 --> 00:03:02,767 and I do believe in happy endings, 62 00:03:02,810 --> 00:03:05,561 just not when it comes to the Ballad Of Hank And Karen. 63 00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:09,691 Bullshit. We practically made out last week. That's nothing if not progress. 64 00:03:09,733 --> 00:03:11,484 I hope to get to second base this week. 65 00:03:11,527 --> 00:03:13,277 Oh, please. That was an accident. 66 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:14,529 - It was an accident? - Yeah. 67 00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:17,490 - Your tongue just slipped into my mouth? - No, other way around. 68 00:03:17,533 --> 00:03:20,618 The fact that you're making these lame excuses up 69 00:03:20,661 --> 00:03:24,622 can only mean one thing... you're totally into me still. 70 00:03:24,665 --> 00:03:26,332 - Oh, really? - Totally. 71 00:03:29,044 --> 00:03:31,295 - Come on, honey. - Goodbye, sweetie. 72 00:03:31,338 --> 00:03:33,798 Bye. 73 00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:38,010 Hey. Stay gold, Ponyboy. 74 00:04:27,978 --> 00:04:30,313 There is no fucking soy milk! 75 00:04:30,397 --> 00:04:34,317 Will you nut up and learn to digest dairy? 76 00:04:34,359 --> 00:04:35,985 What the fuck is wrong with you? 77 00:04:36,028 --> 00:04:38,613 Nothing a brand-new gastrointestinal tract wouldn't fix. 78 00:04:38,655 --> 00:04:40,239 Bullshit. Here. 79 00:04:40,282 --> 00:04:42,867 It's not vanilla, but you can punish me for that later. 80 00:04:42,910 --> 00:04:44,994 I'll dust off the whips and chains. 81 00:04:45,037 --> 00:04:47,163 Ha ha ha. Very funny. 82 00:04:47,206 --> 00:04:49,999 Seriously. I've been a very naughty hausfrau. 83 00:04:50,042 --> 00:04:51,834 You almost died from malnutrition. 84 00:04:51,877 --> 00:04:54,670 These jokes are never gonna get old, are they? 85 00:04:54,713 --> 00:04:56,839 What is a marriage, if not an opportunity 86 00:04:56,882 --> 00:04:58,466 to mock someone through thick and thin 87 00:04:58,509 --> 00:05:03,221 while simultaneously exploring your deepest, darkest sexual desires? 88 00:05:03,263 --> 00:05:05,306 Yeah, well, let's say one day soon 89 00:05:05,349 --> 00:05:07,600 we lay off mine and start discussing yours? 90 00:05:07,643 --> 00:05:09,268 Yeah, like you could handle that. 91 00:05:09,311 --> 00:05:11,062 Oh, oh, you want to try me? 92 00:05:12,022 --> 00:05:13,564 I want to do it with a girl. 93 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:23,241 So, what, this is something you feel you might enjoy? 94 00:05:23,283 --> 00:05:25,743 Yeah, sure. I hear it's nice, you know? 95 00:05:25,786 --> 00:05:28,955 Getting a little work done by someone who owns her own set of tools. 96 00:05:28,997 --> 00:05:31,249 But I wouldn't want to leave you out. 97 00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:35,086 It seems more, I don't know, honest that way. 98 00:05:35,712 --> 00:05:39,298 Honest... Right. 99 00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:43,386 Don't you see what this means? This is a gift from on high. 100 00:05:43,428 --> 00:05:46,347 This is a cosmic Get Out Of Jail Free card. 101 00:05:46,390 --> 00:05:49,141 The whole thing was her idea. 102 00:05:49,184 --> 00:05:51,060 I'm trying to mentally masturbate about it, 103 00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:53,938 but an image of you keeps popping into my head, and that's a problem. 104 00:05:53,981 --> 00:05:56,357 No, see, if I do this... if we do this thing, 105 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,026 then all this guilt I've been carrying around for weeks... 106 00:05:59,069 --> 00:06:02,488 the massive, crushing guilt... poof, that is gone. 107 00:06:02,531 --> 00:06:04,115 I am absolved. 108 00:06:05,158 --> 00:06:07,493 I know you Hebrews do things a little differently, 109 00:06:07,536 --> 00:06:10,746 but last I checked, a ménage à trois was not a pit stop 110 00:06:10,789 --> 00:06:12,248 on the road to redemption. 111 00:06:12,291 --> 00:06:14,458 This could save the marriage. 112 00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:16,168 So can buying a beach house. 113 00:06:16,211 --> 00:06:19,297 Or you could try adopting an incredibly good-looking African baby. 114 00:06:19,673 --> 00:06:20,840 I hear good things about that. 115 00:06:20,883 --> 00:06:22,717 Speaking of... 116 00:06:24,219 --> 00:06:26,262 Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me. That cocksucker? 117 00:06:26,305 --> 00:06:27,763 That cocksucker has the good taste 118 00:06:27,806 --> 00:06:30,266 to want to option your blog for a nice chunk of change. 119 00:06:30,309 --> 00:06:33,019 - So play nice. - How the fuck do you option a blog? 120 00:06:33,061 --> 00:06:35,229 What is there to option? The title? The font? 121 00:06:35,272 --> 00:06:40,109 Todd! Good to see you, man. Glad you could make it. 122 00:06:40,152 --> 00:06:41,277 - Moody. - Carr. 123 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,530 I would stand, but that would expose my nether-regions to attack. 124 00:06:45,866 --> 00:06:48,743 I got no beef with you, Moody. I'm here on business. 125 00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:50,870 So I'm told by the Fredo Corleone of agents. 126 00:06:50,913 --> 00:06:54,624 Although I can't for the life of me imagine what that business might be, 127 00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:57,376 unless it's to discuss custody of our retarded love child. 128 00:06:57,419 --> 00:06:59,253 Let the man talk, will you? 129 00:06:59,296 --> 00:07:01,172 Todd here has a three-picture deal at Paramount. 130 00:07:01,214 --> 00:07:04,634 He's looking to get his sack back with some seriously edgy material. 131 00:07:04,676 --> 00:07:08,262 Well, I'm sorry, but my testicles are not available for time-share. 132 00:07:08,305 --> 00:07:10,890 It told you this was a waste of my fucking time. 133 00:07:10,933 --> 00:07:12,975 Do you know how much shit a guy like me had to take 134 00:07:13,018 --> 00:07:15,019 for directing a frothy little romcom? 135 00:07:15,062 --> 00:07:17,730 You think Antoine Fuqua returns my calls? 136 00:07:17,773 --> 00:07:21,567 But I did it. I knocked that motherfucker into the cheap seats. 137 00:07:21,610 --> 00:07:23,611 And I'm glad I did it. Do you know why? 138 00:07:23,654 --> 00:07:26,697 Because it keeps the baby mamas in Juicy Couture? 139 00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:30,826 No, hey, I'm not hating. I'm not judging. 140 00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:33,412 - I got a little baby mama all my own. I do. - It's true. He does. 141 00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:37,124 Hey, I'm sensing some common ground here. Do you remember Karen? 142 00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,710 Yeah, she was way too fucking hot for this mope. 143 00:07:39,753 --> 00:07:41,295 That's true. She is. 144 00:07:41,338 --> 00:07:44,507 She also happens to be one fan-fucking-tastic architect. 145 00:07:44,549 --> 00:07:47,718 Is someone looking to pimp out the McMansion in Baldwin Hills? 146 00:07:47,761 --> 00:07:50,846 - I own a Ray fucking Kappe house. - Ray fucking Kappe, huh? 147 00:07:50,889 --> 00:07:53,849 No shit. Guy has a hard-on for architecture bigger than Brad Pitt's. 148 00:07:53,892 --> 00:07:55,184 Oh, colour me impressed. 149 00:07:55,227 --> 00:07:57,186 What, a brother can't love modernism? 150 00:07:57,229 --> 00:08:00,523 I like this. We're free-associating here. 151 00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:04,610 This is nice. Lines of communication... wide open. Excellent. 152 00:08:04,653 --> 00:08:06,529 Do you know why I wanted to work with you again, Moody? 153 00:08:06,571 --> 00:08:09,407 When you're not wallowing in narcissistic despair, 154 00:08:09,449 --> 00:08:11,784 you're the rarest thing this town has to offer... 155 00:08:11,827 --> 00:08:14,078 Someone with some goddamn vision. 156 00:08:14,121 --> 00:08:18,582 I thought it was cos you liked the feel of my balls on your knuckles. 157 00:08:18,625 --> 00:08:20,042 Later, Runkle. 158 00:08:26,383 --> 00:08:28,467 Well done, my friend. 159 00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:31,178 I don't know. I feel like we bonded. 160 00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:40,980 Who the fuck is answering my fucking phones if there's... oh. 161 00:08:41,023 --> 00:08:44,150 - Oh. - Baby, where have you been? 162 00:08:44,192 --> 00:08:46,902 I had a burst of inspiration. 163 00:08:46,945 --> 00:08:49,530 - Come here, you. - Hello. 164 00:08:49,573 --> 00:08:52,616 So I was talking to Dani here about our sexual problem. 165 00:08:52,659 --> 00:08:56,078 - Our what? - She's totally in. 166 00:08:56,121 --> 00:09:00,249 - Excuse me? - Her, me, you. 167 00:09:00,292 --> 00:09:02,460 We had a little girl-to-girl chat on the subject, 168 00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,962 and she agrees with me about the toolbox thing. 169 00:09:06,048 --> 00:09:10,134 Oh, shit. I said "tool". 170 00:09:10,177 --> 00:09:11,677 And "box". 171 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,972 OK, uh, Dani, could you give us just a second, please? 172 00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:17,725 I believe my wife forgot to take her Librium this morning. 173 00:09:17,768 --> 00:09:22,146 No problem, sir. So, um, hold all your calls? 174 00:09:22,189 --> 00:09:24,065 Yes, Dani, hold all my calls. 175 00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:26,442 Very good, sir. 176 00:09:30,614 --> 00:09:33,115 Wife, have you lost your fucking mind? 177 00:09:33,158 --> 00:09:36,660 This is perfect. It's exactly what we talked about. 178 00:09:36,703 --> 00:09:39,455 Yeah, talked... as in hypothetical conversation. 179 00:09:39,498 --> 00:09:43,084 - That's my fucking secretary! - So? 180 00:09:43,126 --> 00:09:45,669 So, if it goes badly, I'll have to fire her. 181 00:09:45,712 --> 00:09:47,463 Shit, if it goes well, I'd have to fire her. 182 00:09:47,506 --> 00:09:51,300 Either way, I'm out one fucking secretary and up a giant lawsuit. 183 00:09:51,343 --> 00:09:53,344 I thought you said she was God-awful? 184 00:09:54,721 --> 00:09:57,431 They're all God-awful until you train them. 185 00:09:57,474 --> 00:10:00,518 - Then they improve. - What, like dogs? 186 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,020 Come on. You're not gonna do this for me? 187 00:10:03,063 --> 00:10:06,315 - I helped you out with your fantasy. - Yeah, badly. 188 00:10:06,358 --> 00:10:08,234 Look, just... 189 00:10:08,276 --> 00:10:10,319 Just pick someone else, that's all. 190 00:10:10,362 --> 00:10:14,198 - Like who? - I don't know... somebody, anybody. 191 00:10:14,241 --> 00:10:17,660 Someone from the salon or I... what about Karen? 192 00:10:18,912 --> 00:10:21,038 The prim reaper? 193 00:10:21,081 --> 00:10:24,166 She's so tall... and Presbyterian. 194 00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:26,043 The woman's a goddess. She's gorgeous. 195 00:10:26,086 --> 00:10:27,837 I don't want to go where Hank has been. 196 00:10:27,879 --> 00:10:30,297 He probably left booby traps up there like the Viet Cong. 197 00:10:32,175 --> 00:10:34,677 Come on, baby... Please? 198 00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:36,720 I want the little one. 199 00:10:36,763 --> 00:10:38,597 She looks like she knows things. 200 00:10:44,604 --> 00:10:46,730 - Oh, my God. - You like? 201 00:10:46,773 --> 00:10:49,400 Well, yeah, of course I like. It's a Ray Kappe house. 202 00:10:49,442 --> 00:10:50,693 Ray fucking Kappe. 203 00:10:50,735 --> 00:10:53,237 That's one of those guys from architecture school 204 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,864 that used to get you all juiced up. 205 00:10:54,906 --> 00:10:57,616 I thought you'd like to see one all up close and personal. 206 00:10:57,659 --> 00:10:59,743 Hank, can you get back in the car? 207 00:10:59,786 --> 00:11:03,247 We're gonna get Tasered by the Bel Air patrol. 208 00:11:03,290 --> 00:11:04,915 My lady. 209 00:11:04,958 --> 00:11:07,668 What are you doing? 210 00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:10,796 Just made a little deal with the caramel-coated devil. 211 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,674 Tasering... you like that? 212 00:11:13,717 --> 00:11:15,718 Is that something you're into now? 213 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,221 - Oh, my God. - It's fucking gorgeous, huh? 214 00:11:19,264 --> 00:11:21,473 Not a lot of closet space, though. 215 00:11:21,516 --> 00:11:24,435 Hank never really got architecture as an art form. 216 00:11:24,477 --> 00:11:27,479 Too much compromise involved, too many practicalities. 217 00:11:27,522 --> 00:11:31,066 Dude would rather hang out all alone in his ivory tower, right? 218 00:11:31,109 --> 00:11:33,485 Massaging those precious little words of his. 219 00:11:33,528 --> 00:11:36,238 Like anyone gives a fuck if it's an "and" instead of "or". 220 00:11:36,281 --> 00:11:39,783 You got me all wrong. I try to live in an ivory tower, 221 00:11:39,826 --> 00:11:42,620 but a tide of shit is constantly beating at its walls. 222 00:11:42,662 --> 00:11:44,663 Don't be impressed. He stole that from Flaubert. 223 00:11:44,706 --> 00:11:48,375 Hey, Carr, if you don't mind my asking, how much a place like this set you back? 224 00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:51,879 The feeling of real architecture... you can't put a price tag on that. 225 00:11:51,922 --> 00:11:53,047 So you do mind. 226 00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:55,466 Makes your heart soar, lifts your soul. 227 00:11:56,343 --> 00:11:57,801 You know what I mean. 228 00:11:57,844 --> 00:12:00,721 It's just incredible. 229 00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:02,389 I think it was Ruskin that once said... 230 00:12:02,432 --> 00:12:05,434 - "Oh, it was Ruskin". - Shut up. 231 00:12:05,477 --> 00:12:09,396 "Without architecture, there would be no remembering". 232 00:12:09,439 --> 00:12:10,940 - I like that. - Yeah. 233 00:12:10,982 --> 00:12:14,818 - That's nice. - About four, five mill? 234 00:12:14,861 --> 00:12:17,613 I'm so sorry. 235 00:12:17,656 --> 00:12:19,698 Can I just say thank you so much? 236 00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:23,118 It's always been a dream of mine to see inside this house. 237 00:12:23,161 --> 00:12:24,411 I really appreciate your time. 238 00:12:24,454 --> 00:12:26,872 It's gonna be even more slick 239 00:12:26,915 --> 00:12:29,291 when I have a pool out here, a little guesthouse, 240 00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:30,584 maybe a screening room. 241 00:12:30,627 --> 00:12:33,337 Plus, I want the whole thing to be all eco-friendly. 242 00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:35,130 Hank says you're some kind of genius at that. 243 00:12:35,173 --> 00:12:36,590 No, I... 244 00:12:36,633 --> 00:12:38,717 That's why I was really hoping you would take the job. 245 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,052 What job? 246 00:12:40,095 --> 00:12:43,013 Did I forget to mention that Carr here is looking for an architect? 247 00:12:44,683 --> 00:12:45,808 I think my work here is done. 248 00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:46,892 Me? 249 00:12:47,727 --> 00:12:49,103 What do you think? 250 00:12:49,145 --> 00:12:51,397 Oh, my God! 251 00:12:51,439 --> 00:12:53,482 Oh. I like that. 252 00:12:55,777 --> 00:12:57,027 Want to jump my bones now 253 00:12:57,070 --> 00:13:00,781 or hold out for a situation with a little more back support? 254 00:13:02,242 --> 00:13:03,450 I did good, didn't I? 255 00:13:03,493 --> 00:13:05,452 You did. Thank you so much. 256 00:13:05,495 --> 00:13:08,205 I'm so excited. 257 00:13:08,248 --> 00:13:10,082 Will you take me home so I can celebrate? 258 00:13:10,125 --> 00:13:13,711 - I'm up for that. Let's hit El Pollo Loco. - No, no, no. I mean with Becca. 259 00:13:13,753 --> 00:13:16,463 Her too. The crazy chicken does not discriminate. 260 00:13:16,506 --> 00:13:18,424 - Oh, right, it's Wednesday night. - Yeah. 261 00:13:18,466 --> 00:13:20,884 OK, well, I can celebrate some other time. 262 00:13:20,927 --> 00:13:24,596 You will not stay home alone on the night of your big victory. 263 00:13:24,639 --> 00:13:26,724 You'd swap nights with me? 264 00:13:26,808 --> 00:13:29,143 Sadly, no, but I will repeat my original offer 265 00:13:29,185 --> 00:13:31,603 that all three of us throw down the carbs together... 266 00:13:31,646 --> 00:13:33,439 - man, woman, and child. - Hank, that's... 267 00:13:33,481 --> 00:13:35,524 You wanted to celebrate. Come on. 268 00:13:35,567 --> 00:13:38,027 - Not with you. - I want to celebrate with you. 269 00:13:38,069 --> 00:13:40,821 - Invite me over. - No. 270 00:13:40,864 --> 00:13:43,574 Invite me over. I will cook for you. 271 00:13:44,909 --> 00:13:47,036 - Cook? You? - Yes. 272 00:13:47,078 --> 00:13:49,163 I have my one dish. 273 00:13:49,205 --> 00:13:51,165 - Not the cheese sensation. - Cheese sensation! 274 00:13:51,207 --> 00:13:52,791 Yes, five different kinds of cheeses, 275 00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:54,835 including cream cheese, the people's cheese. 276 00:13:57,088 --> 00:13:59,715 Don't knock the haute cuisine of Long Island. 277 00:13:59,758 --> 00:14:02,343 - It'll be like old times. - Yeah, but which ones? 278 00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:06,305 The good ones, like when we lived on Charles Street, amongst the gays. 279 00:14:06,348 --> 00:14:08,223 - You hated that place. - Yeah, but you loved it. 280 00:14:08,266 --> 00:14:10,684 Just like you love fucked-up architecture like this 281 00:14:10,727 --> 00:14:13,604 and David Hockney and gigantic fucking earrings 282 00:14:13,646 --> 00:14:16,940 and the complete and utter cliché of driving west on Mulholland at sunset. 283 00:14:18,943 --> 00:14:21,570 You think I don't know these things, but I do. 284 00:14:25,116 --> 00:14:26,158 I'm in, aren't I? 285 00:14:28,286 --> 00:14:29,828 Oh, I'm in. 286 00:14:43,551 --> 00:14:45,719 How do I look? 287 00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:48,430 Good. You look good. 288 00:14:51,684 --> 00:14:53,310 You think she likes nuts? 289 00:14:53,353 --> 00:14:54,978 Maybe we should offer her some mixed nuts? 290 00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:57,523 I don't know. 291 00:14:57,565 --> 00:14:59,024 What? You think she's allergic? 292 00:14:59,067 --> 00:15:02,945 How the fuck should I know something like that? I don't know. 293 00:15:02,987 --> 00:15:06,365 You work with people, these things come up in casual conversation. 294 00:15:06,408 --> 00:15:08,742 "None for me, thanks. I have a nut allergy". 295 00:15:08,785 --> 00:15:11,245 I'm sorry. We don't have that kind of relationship. 296 00:15:11,287 --> 00:15:14,164 Really, I don't know very much about this girl. 297 00:15:14,207 --> 00:15:17,000 Other than you think that she's fucking hot. 298 00:15:17,043 --> 00:15:19,002 How am I supposed to respond to that? 299 00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:20,546 What do you want me to say? 300 00:15:20,588 --> 00:15:24,299 You want me to say, "I love you. This is fucking crazy. Let's not do this"? 301 00:15:24,342 --> 00:15:27,761 Don't yell at me, asswipe! I am nervous enough as it is! 302 00:15:27,804 --> 00:15:30,055 - Yeah, and isn't that a sign? - A sign of what? 303 00:15:30,098 --> 00:15:31,807 That we shouldn't go through with this. 304 00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:33,684 I mean, look what we have here. 305 00:15:33,726 --> 00:15:36,061 This... this is pretty great, right? 306 00:15:36,104 --> 00:15:38,605 How do we know we're gonna be the same afterwards? 307 00:15:38,648 --> 00:15:41,400 The same? I thought the same was the problem. 308 00:15:41,443 --> 00:15:44,945 What problem? There's no problem. 309 00:15:51,119 --> 00:15:54,121 Do you want to get that, or should I? 310 00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:23,275 Yeah? I'm gonna be there in like five... 311 00:16:23,318 --> 00:16:25,486 Oh. Hello, Mia. 312 00:16:25,528 --> 00:16:28,280 Yes. Oh, wow. 313 00:16:28,323 --> 00:16:30,199 Wow. No, I'm sure you're in trouble. 314 00:16:30,241 --> 00:16:32,117 That just... it sounds... 315 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,869 It sounds pretty tragic, actually. 316 00:16:33,912 --> 00:16:36,246 Quite a story. Very familiar, too. 317 00:16:36,289 --> 00:16:38,790 Oh, that's right. I heard it last week. 318 00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:40,459 Ciao. 319 00:17:03,358 --> 00:17:06,735 Where did you get that bra? That is so cute! 320 00:17:08,530 --> 00:17:11,865 Sorry. My bad. Mood killer. 321 00:17:36,808 --> 00:17:39,351 You're not gonna fist me or anything, are you? 322 00:17:39,394 --> 00:17:41,270 Because I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. 323 00:17:41,312 --> 00:17:44,314 - Marce! - What? 324 00:17:44,357 --> 00:17:46,400 A little less talk might be nice. 325 00:17:46,442 --> 00:17:48,151 Everybody's a fucking critic. 326 00:17:48,194 --> 00:17:52,030 Hey, hey. Put me in, coach. I'll bring it home for you. 327 00:17:56,494 --> 00:17:58,996 Do you think we should... I don't know... 328 00:17:59,038 --> 00:18:01,081 include him somehow? 329 00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,584 It's your fantasy. 330 00:18:07,422 --> 00:18:09,965 Uh, hello? 331 00:18:10,008 --> 00:18:11,049 I'm thinking. 332 00:18:11,092 --> 00:18:14,428 I mean, shit, I can sleep with you any night of the week. 333 00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:17,014 This is not how this is supposed to be. 334 00:18:17,056 --> 00:18:21,101 It's a fantasy. It's not supposed to be at all. 335 00:18:31,988 --> 00:18:33,780 - Hey. Thank God you're here. - Hey. 336 00:18:33,823 --> 00:18:36,658 - OK, sweetie. I got to go. - Where you going? 337 00:18:36,701 --> 00:18:39,036 Mia's in some fucked-up situation with her teacher. 338 00:18:39,078 --> 00:18:41,580 She's kind of drunk or drugs... I don't even know. 339 00:18:41,623 --> 00:18:42,956 Look, hey, I'm gonna come with you. 340 00:18:42,999 --> 00:18:46,168 - It's not your problem. Stay with Becca. - I know, but you... 341 00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:49,838 You don't know this guy. He's like a sex crime waiting to happen. 342 00:18:49,881 --> 00:18:52,257 25 minutes at 300, OK? Throw that in the oven. 343 00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,217 - Why are you going? - Because I have to. 344 00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:56,678 No, you don't. It's just Mia. 345 00:18:56,721 --> 00:18:58,805 Last I checked, you guys weren't blood-related. 346 00:18:58,848 --> 00:19:01,224 - Right. - Your mother needs backup. 347 00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:02,684 - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. 348 00:19:02,727 --> 00:19:04,478 Can you stay with Becca? She's been waiting for you. 349 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,189 You can't handle this guy alone. 350 00:19:07,231 --> 00:19:09,900 He doesn't look it, but he's dangerous. 351 00:19:09,942 --> 00:19:12,027 I think he's dan... Just let me drive. 352 00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:14,905 I'll drive you there. We'll go. We'll go together. 353 00:19:49,023 --> 00:19:52,693 Here. Do with it what you will. 354 00:19:52,735 --> 00:19:57,906 Or maybe you can dish it out but can't take it. 355 00:19:57,949 --> 00:20:01,785 Is this gonna hurt? Cos this looks like it might hurt. 356 00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:04,121 That's kind of the point, isn't it? 357 00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:07,207 I mean, he's done some pretty bad things, this guy. 358 00:20:08,251 --> 00:20:10,585 He deserves to be punished for them. 359 00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:16,591 - Things like what? - You know, the usual. 360 00:20:20,513 --> 00:20:23,098 Oh, man. I got to get my camera. 361 00:20:23,141 --> 00:20:24,766 Motherfucker! 362 00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:27,227 - Cocksucker! Shit! Fuck! - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! 363 00:20:27,270 --> 00:20:29,730 - You're attached to the fucking chain! - OK! OK! 364 00:20:29,772 --> 00:20:32,399 - I know! - Just don't move! Get it off your underwear! 365 00:20:38,322 --> 00:20:39,614 Finally. 366 00:20:39,657 --> 00:20:42,159 You guys got to get this fucking jailbait out of my house. 367 00:20:42,243 --> 00:20:43,994 Mia, honey, it's me. It's Karen. 368 00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:45,787 Hey, hey, wake up. 369 00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:49,040 You know what? This isn't just alcohol. She's taken something. 370 00:20:49,083 --> 00:20:51,710 - Come on, baby. - Mia. Mia. Hey. Mia, wake up. 371 00:20:51,753 --> 00:20:54,588 - Mia. - Hank, you came. 372 00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,631 - Yes. - What the fuck's she talking about? 373 00:20:56,674 --> 00:20:58,049 You came? 374 00:20:58,092 --> 00:21:00,135 I don't know. She's confused. Keep your eyes open. 375 00:21:00,178 --> 00:21:01,928 Shit, look at me. Keep your eyes open. 376 00:21:01,971 --> 00:21:04,014 - Sit up. - Animal, what'd you give her? 377 00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:06,433 Do I look like I need some fucking date-rape drug? 378 00:21:06,476 --> 00:21:07,684 It's Valium, for Christ's sakes. 379 00:21:07,727 --> 00:21:10,479 The girl's got a goddamn Rite Aid in her purse. 380 00:21:10,521 --> 00:21:12,439 - What? - How many did you take? 381 00:21:13,733 --> 00:21:14,900 What? Five, four? 382 00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:17,068 45? Four or five? 383 00:21:17,111 --> 00:21:19,446 See? Nobody's gonna off themselves with four. 384 00:21:19,489 --> 00:21:20,906 - OK. All right. - It's all an act. 385 00:21:20,948 --> 00:21:24,743 You know how fucking popular this shit is with the young ladies? 386 00:21:24,786 --> 00:21:26,787 - We're gonna take you home. - Do you think it's funny? 387 00:21:26,829 --> 00:21:29,372 This is someone's child here, you asshole! 388 00:21:29,415 --> 00:21:33,293 They trusted you! You are meant to be her teacher! 389 00:21:33,336 --> 00:21:35,337 You think I wanted Sylvia Plath to come over here 390 00:21:35,379 --> 00:21:36,963 and go all fucking Bell Jar on me? 391 00:21:37,006 --> 00:21:39,132 - I'm the one getting manipulated here. - What? 392 00:21:39,175 --> 00:21:41,426 She comes up to me after fucking debate practice... 393 00:21:41,511 --> 00:21:43,804 Do you want me to smack you? Do you? 394 00:21:43,846 --> 00:21:46,014 - Oh! - Oh, shit. 395 00:21:46,057 --> 00:21:49,017 - I bet she feels a lot better now. - Oh, she did not just... 396 00:21:49,060 --> 00:21:50,769 - Come on, honey. - Oh, I see two. 397 00:21:50,853 --> 00:21:54,272 - Two what? - Two pills. Is that a third one there? 398 00:21:54,315 --> 00:21:56,191 - I see sushi. Is that a pill? - What... 399 00:21:57,443 --> 00:21:59,444 Let's get the fuck out of here. 400 00:21:59,487 --> 00:22:01,571 Ah, shit, Moody! 401 00:22:01,614 --> 00:22:04,074 Now I'm gonna fucking hurl. 402 00:22:06,118 --> 00:22:07,410 Fuck! 403 00:22:10,373 --> 00:22:13,208 Who's your primary care guy again? 404 00:22:13,251 --> 00:22:14,960 How should I fucking know? 405 00:22:15,002 --> 00:22:16,503 Jesus Christ, you think these people 406 00:22:16,546 --> 00:22:18,547 are ever gonna get around to sewing me up? 407 00:22:18,589 --> 00:22:20,966 I'm in considerable fucking pain here! 408 00:22:21,008 --> 00:22:23,426 I'm sorry, OK? I said it a thousand times. 409 00:22:23,469 --> 00:22:25,595 You know I'm bad with mechanical things. 410 00:22:25,638 --> 00:22:27,806 Tell that to my missing nipple. 411 00:22:27,849 --> 00:22:29,724 You took off, like, 12 layers of skin. 412 00:22:29,767 --> 00:22:32,686 I'm sorry, nipple. 413 00:22:34,105 --> 00:22:37,399 Now that I've maimed you, where am I gonna rest my head? 414 00:22:37,441 --> 00:22:39,734 That was, like, my favourite spot. 415 00:22:43,865 --> 00:22:45,824 Some fantasy, huh? 416 00:22:45,867 --> 00:22:49,494 How the fuck did we end up here? 417 00:22:49,537 --> 00:22:51,997 On some level, I think you wanted to punish me. 418 00:22:52,039 --> 00:22:55,041 - I think you both wanted to punish me. - For what? 419 00:22:55,084 --> 00:22:57,752 Shit, you know... everything. Husband stuff. 420 00:22:57,795 --> 00:23:00,881 Not me, dickwad. Her. Why the fuck would she want to punish you? 421 00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:03,049 She barely knows you. What the fuck does she care? 422 00:23:03,092 --> 00:23:06,845 I'm her boss, OK? I make her do humiliating things all day. 423 00:23:06,888 --> 00:23:09,389 You think she likes that? 424 00:23:09,432 --> 00:23:11,224 What? 425 00:23:13,352 --> 00:23:15,645 You leaned wrong. 426 00:23:15,730 --> 00:23:17,188 I'm sorry. 427 00:23:19,358 --> 00:23:23,445 She's an interesting girl, though, that one. 428 00:23:23,487 --> 00:23:26,573 Fantastic ass. 429 00:23:28,409 --> 00:23:31,119 How is she? 430 00:23:31,162 --> 00:23:37,167 Oh, she's fine, she's gonna feel like seven different kinds of shit tomorrow. 431 00:23:37,209 --> 00:23:39,210 You gonna tell Bill? 432 00:23:39,253 --> 00:23:41,922 Well, yeah. I mean, I have to, right? 433 00:23:41,964 --> 00:23:44,466 Wouldn't you want to know if your 16-year-old daughter 434 00:23:44,508 --> 00:23:47,886 was hanging out with some creepy perv who's, like, twice her age? 435 00:23:47,929 --> 00:23:50,639 The situation may not be exactly as it seems. 436 00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:52,849 Oh, you've got to be kidding. 437 00:23:52,892 --> 00:23:55,226 - You're on the side of the pervert, right? - Always. 438 00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:57,687 Somebody's got to stand up for the creepy common man. 439 00:23:57,730 --> 00:24:01,024 You know, that should be a lesson to you, Hank Moody. 440 00:24:01,067 --> 00:24:04,903 To me? A lesson to me? Why? 441 00:24:04,946 --> 00:24:06,905 Why did you point your finger at me? 442 00:24:06,948 --> 00:24:09,115 I'm just kidding. It's OK. 443 00:24:09,158 --> 00:24:12,243 You're a great dad. You have nothing to worry about. 444 00:24:12,286 --> 00:24:16,998 I mean, that's the sexiest thing about you. 445 00:24:17,041 --> 00:24:19,501 You want to say good night to Becca? 446 00:24:20,628 --> 00:24:21,753 Please. 447 00:24:21,796 --> 00:24:24,255 Go, then. 448 00:24:24,298 --> 00:24:26,508 You know, you did need my backup tonight. 449 00:24:26,550 --> 00:24:29,761 You might have killed that guy if I wasn't there. 450 00:24:44,485 --> 00:24:47,737 - Dad? - Hey. 451 00:24:47,822 --> 00:24:49,155 What are you listening to, there? 452 00:24:49,198 --> 00:24:51,950 A little falling-asleep music? 453 00:24:51,993 --> 00:24:54,077 Little Joni Mitchell, Blood On The Tracks? 454 00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:57,998 Death Cab For Cutie. 455 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:01,918 Wow. You really know how to hurt a guy. 456 00:25:04,005 --> 00:25:06,589 Hey, I know tonight 457 00:25:06,632 --> 00:25:09,801 kind of got a little ruined. 458 00:25:09,844 --> 00:25:12,846 It's OK. I'm used to it. 459 00:25:12,888 --> 00:25:16,349 Yeah, well, I'll make it up to you, I swear. 460 00:25:16,392 --> 00:25:20,437 - I know. - Do you? 461 00:25:20,479 --> 00:25:22,355 Sure. 462 00:25:22,398 --> 00:25:25,358 You never mean to let me down. 463 00:25:25,401 --> 00:25:28,361 But you do. 464 00:25:29,572 --> 00:25:32,198 Yeah, I guess I do. 465 00:25:33,284 --> 00:25:35,076 You know, it's all well and good 466 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,787 to talk about happy endings... 467 00:25:37,830 --> 00:25:39,664 But if a person can't deliver, 468 00:25:39,707 --> 00:25:43,460 if he keeps screwing up, 469 00:25:43,502 --> 00:25:45,170 well, eventually, 470 00:25:45,212 --> 00:25:48,006 I guess you kind of just have to say, "fuck you". 471 00:25:52,511 --> 00:25:55,305 Or words to that effect. 472 00:26:06,901 --> 00:26:08,526 You can keep the change.